How to Deal with Advice from Others
“There in only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. ”
Sometimes it seems everyone on this earth has advice for us about parenting and our kids. Rarely is it solicited and rarely is it a compliment!
“Oh honey, what are you doing with that baby’s hair?”
“You aren’t going to homeschool them through high-school right?”
“Are you sure you want foster kids in your home over night with those girls of yours?”
“Sweety, you are too attentive. It is healthy for a baby to cry.”
“Why are you giving her a bottle? They should only have breast milk for the first year!”
I don’t mind when people give me advice. Truly, solicited or unsolicited! I guess my one caveat would be that I would rather they be discrete and kind about it. But when people feel moved to tell me how they would address a situation or what they observed in my reaction or how they might have responded differently, regardless of the source, it is an opportunity for me to consider different ideas and even share my ideas and justifications.
Don’t get me wrong, it sometimes erks me and makes me feel insufficient for a minute, but then I try to take it in. I can say, “yes, I like that,” “no way would I do that, but thanks for letting me know your opinion,” or, most likely, “hmm, that is an interesting thought and worth my time thinking whether or not I want to integrate it into my parenting repertoire.”
But, don’t be fooled, every piece of advice is not for you! Every parent, teacher, nanny, child, home setting, ect is different and one cannot be compared to another. Take everything into consideration, but by no means does that mean you constantly use strategies that don’t fit with your high-level parenting goals.
Always consider the source,
What do they know,
How much experience have they had with something like this,
What unique understanding might they have that they can share
AND do You care?
Doctors are Doctors: I had to learn early that I go to the doctor to get medical advice! They will often also provide you with what I categorize as parenting advice. This may be awesome for you. But, remember that you don’t likely know what type of parent they are, whether they are a parent, nor what their overall parenting goals are. It is very hard sometimes to categorize what type of opinion you are being given.
For Example:
Within minutes of having my first child, the nurse “allowed” me to nurse my newborn for about 5 minutes and then removed her from me and said something about how it is best not to keep them latched on long right after birth. At the time I was like “thank God she told me, I would never have known.”
It makes me so sad now to think of that moment. Not only did she struggle to latch on again for days, but that nurse DID NOT say “it is my opinion that…” or “when my kids were born” or “if I were you”. They rarely do. They cross the line between parent adviser and medical caregiver so easily that it is hardly noticeable.
I am not saying that medical caregivers should not do this! Sometimes it can be exceedingly helpful. What I am saying is that we as parents need to take a moment to think, “is this something I want to do?” Ultimately, we are the parent and we can say “no”. I did not do that much for the first 10 years of parenting and I regret some of the decisions I made.
Another category of advisors is teachers, caregivers, principals, therapists…. I cannot begin to tell you how much I have valued the input and ideas I have received from this category of my village. However, again, because these people are with our children so much and in such a different way that they tend to easily cross over into the parent advice category unnoticed. That is not to say that their advice might not serve you well and be a blessing. But that does not mean you have to take it.
At the end of the day, many, many people are going to provide you with ideas and advice but you have to discern how much value to attach to those comments. You are the parent and you know your child better than anyone else. Take what is helpful and leave the rest for someone else!!
Next:
Notice who is giving you advice and think about why they might think they should.
Taking the emotion out of having been given unsolicited advice - think about the advice given and determine whether you think it is helpful or useless given your family and life situation.