Happiness versus Expectations
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations. ”
As our family joyously enter our home, they mention how lovely everything looks and how wonderful dinner smells. Your mom plays with the kids while your brother-in-law helps carve the turkey. You husband greets your guests with a drink while you tidy the kitchen before dinner is served right on time.
Reality: the family arrives late and no one notices the delicious aroma wafting from the kitchen. In fact, the smell is actually from the burning turkey. Your husband is running around anxiously serving everyone drinks while you try to carve the turkey and set the table to put dinner on the table no less than one hour later than planned. By the time you all sit down, the kids are starving and acting like animals at the table, your husband is three drinks in and you are sweaty from the frantic work of finishing in the kitchen.
It is amazing how expectations can make or break our happiness and the ease with which we live.
When we have high expectations, we have a picture or movie in our head of how an event should unfold.
o Who will be there.
o What the weather will be.
o What the food will be served.
o How the food will taste.
o What time things will occur.
o How long they will take.
o How you will feel before, during and after.
The list can go on and on.
Often these strict expectations are set either by prior experiences or by our emotions. When these events don’t unfold exactly how we expect, we are disappointed, even if, the changes to the script are positive. With high expectations, I find that I am inflexible! And, for me, and my family, inflexibility leads to disappointment and stress.
So, I have worked very hard over many years, to lower my expectations for everything I can in my life. This goes for events:
parties, family events, holidays, trips;
relationships: friends, husband, work relationships, people on the street;
my kids: disciplining my kids, teaching my kids, their behavior, their future;
myself: I cannot do everything, I should not do everything, no one is judging me for this and if they are, I shouldn’t care anyway!
This is not to say that I don’t work hard for the best results. Rather, when it comes down to it, I allow myself to be flexible about what I think the outcome might be. This theory of mind has been powerful in easing my life!
In the family event example above, imagine that your expectations had been more in line with reality, rather than perfection. How do you think you would have enjoyed your evening and felt about your family afterward?
Next:
Notice when you have expectations about the way a certain event should happen. This can be done before or after the fact. Also, become aware of whether these expectations were met or not and how you felt about that.
Then, consciously lower your expectations for the next time a similar event occurs, even to the point of having no expectations. Observe how this changes your experience! Keep practicing this for different events and circumstances.