What about when I lose it?

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing. ”

— Theodore Roosevelt

Scenario:

For what feels like the 100thtime this week, your daughter has decided to refuse to eat, throw her food and sit on the floor playing in it.

Or

your son has picked up bad language somewhere and insists on using it as much as possible for days on end. Or, while working through math homework your child suddenly has no idea how to do a simple addition question.

We explode! We totally fail to use any of the strategies or tools we know will work!

We scream, send them to their room (maybe for a week!), and we are angry! Listen, I have these days! Believe me! There are times when I cannot hold it together and have no ability to use any good parenting skills whatsoever. But, if mommy can lose it, admit she lost it, acknowledge that she failed to use her strategies and tools and still have grace with herself…then so can your kids.

Ultimately, it is not whether you lose it, rather, it is how you react AFTER that failure.

I have experienced countless numbers of major parenting failures! Monstrous, horrifying, and embarrassing failures. But, with much practice, I have learned to use these times as teaching moments both for myself and my children. After the yelling, crying, fighting…you name it…, We hug. We cry. We forgive.

I tell them, with no excuses, that mommy did not deal with that situation well.

Because an apology followed by a “but” just pushes the blame right back on the other party, here can be NO “but’s”.

You CANNOT say:

“mommy failed, but, if you had only…,” or
“I would not have gotten out of control if you hadn’t…,” or
“mommy is so sorry, but next time please don’t….”

The ONLY statement should be…… “mommy got too big and did not deal with that situation well. I am sorry. What can mommy do to help make these situations better next time?”

Not only does this conversation give you, the mom, power to try again and do it differently, but it also allows your child to know that momscan make mistakes and react inappropriately just like them. They learn to have a growth mindset by listening to you work through it out loud!

Do I still love you? Are we ok?

My adopted kids really struggle with this! They truly believe that when I am mad, I do not love them. One gets sad and sullen and the other gets mean and sassy. It has been amazing to see the turn around when I can get myself under control (either during the “moment” or after) and say “does mommy love you right now? Does mommy love you when you act like this? Does mommy love you when you make bad choices?” They emphatically replied “NO” and sobbed for months after I started this. But now (about a year and a half later – it’s a long road!), they are saying yes, sometimes with a smile. They often still cry and we hug. But they are getting there. The biggie is that you then ask if they love you when you act this way? If they love you when you act inappropriately? They, of course, will say yes. Hugs!!!

Work hard to give yourself grace.  Grace to completely fail.  Grace to admit that you are responsible for your failure.  Grace to admit those failures both to yourself and to your kids.
Start noticing times when you and your children struggle most.  Talk to your kids about why that might be.  Or, if your child is incapable of this, think through it with your spouse, a friend, a teacher, or anyone to trust to be frank and honest with you.
Come up with a plan!  Plan the steps that you can take preemptively to avoid these battles!  Discuss this plan with your child and ask them if they have any thoughts, opinions or things they think might work better.
Then, try it out. Adjust!  Have Grace Again!!