The 2nd Step LABEL THE CAUSE Explained

The 2nd step to calming down a child who is completely out of control, throwing a fit, “dysregulated” is

LABEL the CAUSE of Dis-regulation

After validating or acknowledging that you see that they are upset…

GUESS why they are feeling this way and verbalize this guess.  This helps them to learn to recognize and understand their own feelings. 

Even if your guess is wrong, it can lead them disagree with you and talk about how they are feeling.  If they are non-verbal (or just unwilling to talk), keep guessing.  It will take time to notice trends in their emotional regulation allowing you to interpret their feelings accurately. 

Even if this process is done while they are mad, it will start calming them down!  AND, you both may learn more about their feelings and melt downs.  This is a win win!.

Here are some ideas for why they may be acting like this! These are common causes of dis-regulation in any child, but especially children with neuro-diversity or trauma. Try them out and see if any strike a cord with you and your child!

·      Hunger?

·      Tired?

·      Worried?

·      Angry?

·      Nervous?

·      Overwhelmed?

·      Lost a Toy?

·      Want a Toy?

·      Sensory Overload?

·      Just need attention?

Guessing the cause for inappropriate behaviors and dis-regulation can be extremely challenging and tricky!  Let me share a recent experience of mine that may help you feel at ease in your journey:

My sweet Hope pops her knuckles every time she thinks she is in trouble or, honestly, most times that I talk to her one on one (of course this causes her to think she is in trouble). She looks like she is about to start a fist fight! You know that aggressive knuckle popping you see in movies when gangs are about to fight?

I assumed for a very long time that she was being disrespectful to me – sort of trying to bully me! Up to recently, I have tried to get her to stop doing this by making her put her hands open by her side when I talk to her. Then she started doing other physical aggressive things – biting her lip hard, pulling on her skin, holding her breath…. I finally asked her why she does these things and told her that it made me feel sad to see her doing these things while I talked to her.

Her response was shocking! She told me that she felt like she was horrible and deserved to be hurt! What? How could I have mislabeled that so extremely? After feeling horrible, I completely changed my strategy for helping her stop this behavior!

Although I wish I had correctly labeled the reason for this behavior earlier, I am so glad that we figured it out. Addressing the cause of the behavior is finally working to stop it!

Only after you both UNDERSTAND WHY the outburst occurred, can you start to work on the next step.  Continue reading my blog series on Dis-Regulation for the next steps to helping your child learn to regulate their emotions.