Do what I mean, NOT what you heard!
“If what you are doing isn’t working, change it! ”
Many children do not naturally understand what is expected of them after a request and, therefore, fail simply by default. This is particularly true for any of your kiddos with challenges: sensory deficits, attention issues, autism, even English as a second language. Others are being defiant. Either way, defining success will allow you to be certain they understand the task requirements.
Let me give you some examples:
1. While disciplining my sweet Hope, she is often told to spend time in her room thinking about what a more appropriate response to me, or the situation, would have been. On her way to her room, she usually stomps her feel, huffs her breath, mumbles something, slams the door…I have tried for years to patiently (when I can) have her return to me and ask her to try again. Did I say I have been doing this for YEARS?
2. A boy is asked to wash the dishes after dinner. He puts water and soap in the sink. He uses the washcloth to get all of the food off of the dishes that are in the sink. He may even drain the water and soap from the sink. “DONE MOM!” Said boy runs outside to play feeling proud of himself for complying with mom’s request. Mom later walks in the kitchen to find dishes in the sink full of water and bubbles. The dishes are indeed “clean”! But they are not rinsed, dried or put away. But, mom didn’t say to do any of those things. All she said was “wash the dishes”. He did actually wash the dishes!
3. After your nightly routine, tucking if your kiddos, singing a song and saying a prayer, you finally find a comfortable place to sit and get some things done and one of those kids comes down needing water. An hour later, someone can’t sleep. Another hour, someone needs to go potty. Has this ever happened to you? What part of “it’s time for bed” don’t they understand?
Defining clear expectations before an event works wonders with behavior such as:
Complying with specific tasks
Acting with respect
following the rules of games
keeping their eyes on mom when out
not talking to strangers
Respecting the boundaries for biking outside
Kids need reminders to change their habits. These need to be coupled with a motivation to permanently change their behavior.
After talking to Hope about a mistake or something she needs to do differently, before she may walk away, I say, “Hope, my expectation is that you walk away with calm steps, no huffing or mumbling and with respect for mom. If you choose not to do this, you will be in your room 5 extra minutes” (or whatever punitive task will motivate her to meet my expectation). When I consistently do this, it is 100% effective! You see, kids need to know the expectation and be reminded of them just like we do.
Why can’t they just understand what you mean by “done”?
These kids are often labeled as lazy, obstinate, and manipulative. Well, for whatever reason, they don’t understand! Even if they do understand, they are able to fail because you did not clearly define the goal. Once you clearly define the goal, your child has a better chance of satisfying your request, and, if they don’t meet the goal, you have the opportunity to remind them of the expectation. Here are some ideas that have worked for me and the kids (Printable Visuals of some of these examples can be found on the Resource Page)
Dishes:
· Follow your child while they “do the dishes” and take pictures and notes with their input. Take a picture of them clearing the table and counters.
· Take a picture of them filling the sink with soap and water.
· Washing the dishes. Rinsing the dishes. Drying the dishes. Putting the dishes away.
· Emptying and rinsing the sink.
· Wiping down counters.
· And take one last picture of them standing proudly in a clean kitchen.
Print these small and tape them inside the cupboard or laminate and attach them with a ring on a “chore expectation” hook where they can always access them. With their help, write notes that may help them be successful. When it is time for them to do the dishes, remind them to take a look at the expectations before starting and after they think they are done. When they are done, they can check in with you to make sure they satisfied the expectations.
This strategy of pictures and notes can be extremely successful for most tangible tasks.
· Laundry
· Cleaning their room
· Tidying the bathroom
· Making their bed
· Putting away their school stuff
These picture lists can be just as useful for tasks like:
· What should be in your backpack for school
· What needs to come with you for swimming
· What do I need to do when I get home (we take off shoes, put them away and wash hands and our pictures are posted on the garage door as a reminder).
Couple this strategy with an appropriate motivation and you will change their behavior appropriately quickly! Proud kids, happy parents!
Bedtime:
After tucking in those sweet babies and before their last song, tell them directly,
“my expectation tonight is that you will stay in your room/bathroom for the rest of the night. If you need to use the restroom, use the one in your room. If you need water, there are paper cups under the sink. If you can’t sleep, there are books on your shelf.”
Then the key –
“and if you come down, I will completely ignore you, no hugs, I will not walk you back up….” Or, “if you are successful, I will snuggle you in my bed when you get up and watch a cartoon.”
Behavior Lesson:
Just like everything behavioral, it is about motivation. What will motivate your child to comply in the short AND long term? An immediate decrease in behavior is easy – taking away privileges or creating an environment that is non-preferred (i.e. doing extra chores, more time in room) will create immediate changes in behavior. They may want to avoid this type of non-preferred requirement in the short-term, but we need to teach them a replacement behavior for the next time this issue arises so that we can praise, and at times reward, them for the behavior we want to see. This type of proactive teaching will change behavior in the long-term.
We all operate better when we know the expectations of those around us. Even though it seems very obvious what our expectations are of our kids, they may not be obvious to our kids. Give them the benefit of the doubt and expressly tell them, show them and demonstrate for them so there is no mistake. It just might change their behavior because it wasn’t a behavioral issue, it was a misunderstanding in the first place!
Next:
This idea takes some shifting of habitual ways of thinking! I know it did for me. My suggestion is to start noticing the tasks that your child “finishes” without “completing”. Even if you are certain you have told them many times how to complete that task, try doing it again – only immediately before they are expected to perform the task. Or, if easier, ask them to tell you what steps must be completed. Discuss the gaps where maybe they are missing something.
Start specifically defining what your expectations are for particular tasks and see how their behavior changes. When they say “mom, I’m done,” ask “did you complete all the steps we discussed?” If they did (or if they correct their work after you ask), give huge praise!!
Ø Consider using a visual for tasks that are commonly done or commonly messed up! See the Strategy Resources page for examples and printables.
More:
http://seancroxton.com/quote-of-the-day/38/