You Can Say "NO" Without an EXPLOSION!
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ”
Does your child freak out when you say “no”? Do you get stressed when you need to say “no” because you anticipate their reaction? I have a solution for this!
Child: “Mom, can I have a piece of gum?”
Parent: “Yes, after you finish your reading time.”
Child: “Can we buy a toy while we are at the store today?”
Parent: “Why don’t we come up with a plan to earn a toy? We can even take a picture of the one you pick out at the store today.”
Child: “Can I be done with my dinner?”
Parent: “Yes, as soon as you eat four more bites.”
Child: “Why can’t we go ride bikes?”
Parent: “What do you have to do before we can ride bikes.”
Child: “Finish cleaning my room.”
I know, I know, it sounds like I am just avoiding the hard answer of “no”. But, some kids really struggle to cope with “no” and it can end up ruining the day. And, I am not saying you should say “yes”! The answer is still “no”.
Here’s the trick:
You child asks for something and the immediate answer is “no”.
Rather than saying “no”, you can DISGUISE it by doing one of the following:
1. Ask them when the answer will be yes, or
2. Tell them when the answer will be yes, or
3. Come up with a plan for when the answer might be yes, or
4. Talk about an adjustment to the question that will make the answer yes eventually.
The answer is obviously “no” – right now. But if the answer will be yesat some point, help them realize when that is. This helps them learn to self-monitor the rules. It also avoids the dreaded out right “no” that so often brings with it very big non-preferred behavior.
When my daughter asks if she can watch television in the afternoon, I respond, “when do we watch tv?” or “what do we have to get done before we watch tv?” or “yes, as soon as we finish school and eat dinner.” Or, if she asks for a treat, I can ask, “yes, if you eat all of your dinner.” or “did you have a treat after lunch?” or “of course, after school and dinner.”
Next:
Pay attention to when the answer to your child’s request will be or would be “yes”.
Think of questions you can ask your child that will allow the answer to be “yes” under certain conditions.
Encourage them to ask questions about “when” or “how” the answer will become “yes”.