Discipline versus Punishment
“There are only three ways to teach a child. The first is by example, the second is by example, the third is by example. ”
When you learned to drive, did your parents give you the keys to their car without any instruction or practice and say – “Enjoy! But, if you hurt my car or yourself you are in big trouble?”
OR
When you learned to do your own laundry, did your parent give you the laundry basket, show you the washer and dryer and say, “good luck – I hope you don’t shrink anything”?
It has only recently come to my awareness that “discipline” and “punishment” are two very different concepts. Discipline comes from the Latin root disciplina for instruction, teaching, learning. Thus, discipline means to teach or guide.
Punishment is not meant to teach, it is meant to penalize or sanction someone for a transgression. It is meant to decrease the future of a particular behavior, however, it does not teach an appropriate replacement behavior. A teen whom has had several driving violations being required to take a defensive driving course is discipline. Having their car taken away is punishment.
Then, we can further break down the definition of discipline the way Voddie Baucham explained in his talk on “The Role of the Father in Home Education and Discipleship.” He differentiated formative discipline from corrective discipline. Formative being defined as the discipleship necessary to mentor your child, teach them how things work, how things should be done and how to live in this world. Corrective should be used with restraint and is the redirection and rarely, the punishment, necessary when a child refuses to follow the rules set forth during the formative mentoring.
When parenting is separated and defined in this way, what would you rather focus on with your child? Guide them in the direction that you want their character to go or sanction them for making a mistake (purposefully or not) with little or no guidance as to how to do it differently the next time?
Back to the driving example above, presumably someone spent many painful hours teaching you the rules, and the strategies and techniques necessary to be a smart and safe driver. This was formative discipleship! When you still failed to stop at a stop sign and got a ticket – now that was the corrective punishment!
Learning to do laundry, you probably watched someone in your home do laundry many, many times. At some point you then helped them by sorting the clothes, spotting the stains, spraying the spots, loading the washer and so on. Then, your teacher probably sat by you the first time you took the reins so that you could ask questions if necessary. Then, one day, you were ready to do it all by yourself. Again, this is formative discipline! Teaching you how to effectively wash the laundry. Showing you how to sort and load the washer. Helping you understand the settings on the machines and how much soap to put in each load.
Next
In the next few days, try to notice whether you are disciplining or punishing more. Try to detect your child’s motivation for their bad behavior and whether your reaction might be reinforcing it. There will be many more posts about this and what to do about it. But for now, just start noticing it.
More
https://www.iloveaba.com/2011/12/good-bad-ugly-punishment.html - more