Establishing An Emotional Tether
“Whenever you feel lonely and need a little loving from home, just press your hand to your cheek and think,
‘Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you.’”
Emotional tethers can be very powerful for kids with bonding challenges. These kids often believe that their parent or loved one will only come back IF! IF they are good. IF they do their work perfectly. IF they are “perfect”. A tether, coupled with affirmation that you love them, no matter what, always and forever, even if they are bad, will, over time, start to overcome their fears.
In the book “Wired for Love,” Stan Tatkin PsyD MFT and Harville Hendrix PhD discuss the concept of a tether. I had never thought of this idea in the context of love and attachment. Since being introduced to this, I have tried very hard to establish a consistent tether with my children when we separate. I have established very small and consistent things that I say or do to establish a tether when I need to leave them.
I try not to do the EXACT same thing every time because some of my kids can be very ridged and would get upset or worry if I did something different one time. For example, I have a little “you momma comes back” song that I sing to Hope and she finishes for me quietly in each other’s ears. Some I say a short prayer, a feel proud pep talks, a hand-shake or a kissing hand. Anything that keeps them feeling proud and loved while apart from the people they trust the most.
A great children’s book regarding this concept is “Kissing Hand,” Audrey Penn and Ruth E. Harper. This book introduces the concept of a tether created by a mother raccoon sending her child off the school for the first time. The tether is that she kisses her child’s hand and the child kisses hers. Then, during the day, they can touch their cheek with their hand and feel the other’s kiss.