Isn’t Positive Reinforcement Just Bribing?
“The highest reward for a person’s toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it. ”
If you know Claudia, you know that she truly dislikes eating! It is her least favorite thing to do. When we were first teaching her to feed herself, we broke the goal down into very small tasks and rewarded her for the slightest effort.
If Claudia moved her hand toward her spoon,
she got praise.
If Claudia picked up her spook, she got praise.
If Claudia put a bite in her mouth (even if it came back out), she got praise.
If Claudia swallowed a bite, she got praise.
You get the idea!
We tend to be focused on the mischief and failures in our children. This is a dark place. When we are focused on the negative, we become negative. When our children know we are focused on the negative, they stop trying. We end up encouraging our children to give up. To them, if they cannot satisfy our expectations, then why continue to try.
Obviously, we would rather encourage our children to keep trying! To do this, our whole focus needs to change! But how?
The goal of positive reinforcement is to teach our children to monitor their own efforts and accomplishments. We want them to be able to set a goal and work hard toward reaching that goal. Doing this is like a clicker system for dogs. You know, where you click and give the dog a treat every time they comply with your request? When the dog hears the click and gets a treat, the dog knows that we approve of their efforts. When we withhold the click and the treat, the dog tries to figure out what they need to do to get it. Eventually, the dog will perform the preferred behavior without the treat because it has been conditioned to “feel good” doing it.
Why have we been led to believe humans are any different? I have learned to praise my children for the small efforts they make toward goals! This encourages them to keep working toward the goal! Eventually, the efforts become conditioned and they no longer need reinforcement to perform them. The goal has been met and we can move on toward another goal.
This is very different from bribing because of the eventual outcome. A bride is either a one-time deal or is ongoing to obtain the goal. The goal of positive reinforcement is to eventually wean the child off of the reward, but continue with the wanted to behavior. When done properly, this will be the result.
I will be honest, Claudia still needs encouragement to eat. She does not sit down at the table to eat and finish her meal without a significant amount of support and reinforcement. However, it is no longer a fight and we no longer have to praise every small step toward each and every bite. This, to me, has been a win!
Next:
Try some of these positive reinforcement ideas:
high-five or fist bump,
“great job”
“keep up the good work”
“that is just right” (remember, “perfect” is a banned word”)
a hug
a treat
a penny in a jar toward earning something
a check mark on a sticker chart
a very small treat or gum
The larger the effort, the larger the praise.
Encourage effort, not perfection!
More:
Praise! The Power of Positive Reinforcement