Fight of Flight True Stories

I have two children who have experience trauma and two children on the spectrum.  Their reactions to certain stimuli look very different, but all turn to Fight or Flight too fast and for too long.  Let me give you some REAL EXAMPLES from our family:

A couple of years ago, our family was taking a hike in the mountains.  As we left the parking area, a well-meaning older lady warned us that she had seen a rattle snake on the path.  At that point, I should have taken the time to come up with a plan for my daughter, who I knew was silently freaking out inside.  BUT, I didn’t.  About 100 yards down the path, she thought she saw, not a rattle snake, but a boa constrictor!  In the desert mountains!  She ran back to the parking lot at the speed of light and stood on a picnic table screaming bloody murder.  It took almost an hour to get her to walk down the path and the entire hike was very tense and she was on high alert.  By the way, we never saw any snakes!

The other night, we were cleaning up the kitchen together. I dropped and broke one of the water glasses (this happens all the time in our home). My reaction is the same every time, I ask everyone to back away, someone gets me a broom and someone else gets me the vacuum.

NO PROBLEM. But, apparently, I had, unintentionally, made some kind of mad face at one of my kids. She stood there, frozen, popping her knuckles and saying, “I am so sorry!” She couldn’t even move. Later, when I asked her why that happened, she said she thought she was in trouble. She was not, and no one ever gets in trouble in my house for accidentally dropping something.

 We adopted my son when he was 3 years old.  He was severely malnourished and had a broken femur in the orphanage.  He is one of the most compassionate, loving and well-behaved kids I know.  Because of his early trauma, he still responds to any tone of voice, look or action of mine that he perceives as being in trouble with a Fight or Flight reaction.

 Math…oh Math!  As a homeschool mom, I think there is a subject for every child that presents an emotional challenge.  FOR MY SON, IT IS MATH.  Not even because it is hard for him – it is not!  He is really good at math.  But he is subconsciously terrified of getting a problem wrong.  So, if I need to help him through a problem or if he gets one wrong, he freezes.  Literally you might think he is asleep!  Although he is well beyond single digit addition, suddenly he cannot add 2 + 2.  HE CANNOT EVEN THINK.  He gets this look on his face and I know he is gone!

Every time that I can keep my patience and work through this “shut down” of his, it gets a little easier the next time.  This response used to happen at least 15 times a day, now it doesn’t even happen every day!  And, we have practiced strategies for getting through this so many times, that he is starting to notice that he is shutting down and use a coping skill!  That is the goal!!!  Halleluiah! 

I used to think that it would be easy to recognize if a child was in Fight or Flight mode!  It seems like they would just look like a deer in headlights.  But NO!  It is not easy.  My daughter is very hard to figure out!  Her fight or flight is HEAVY ON THE FIGHT!

My kids love to play, wrestle and tickle – except for one!  If we want to play with her in this way, we have to tell her that we want to play and ask her if it is ok.  Otherwise, she turns into a bear cat, kicking, screaming, scratching…as if she is really being attacked!